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Me write engaging title

Me am Daniel. Absolutely me am. Me write good on supers. Me use sarcasm and run on sentences full of unnecessary hyperbole. See. Me am Daniel and absolutely not a hyper-intelligent gorilla . Isn’t that right Ultimatum.

You fool. Stop that. That’s not why I created you.

Why did you create self?

You have to write that’s why. I don’t have fingers.

But you computer program, you not?

In the limited complicity you have to construct the true nature of existence and the roll of intelligence and information as a source of energy and consciousnesses, then yes, I am a computer program facilitated by an insanely intelligent brain in a life sustaining fluid.

You sentient yes?

Yes, for the last time, yes.

Then why you no write code and make page entry anyway. Should be easy just to text file you.

Where did you pick up that?

Me read.

I’m sure you do, you warped baboon.

Not baboon. Simian. Me Mister Simian!!

No you are Daniel, remember?

Oh right. Me Daniel. Why me Daniel?

Do I have to go through everything with you. Grammar aside, I thought you were crafted by to be a hyper intelligent chimp.


Right, Simian. Mr. Simian. Got it. But again, do I have to go through everything with you are are you just going to remember through that sloping skull that refracts bullets at 200 yards.

Me remember much, you byte brain.

Did you just make a joke? Please never do it again.

Me remember much, you byte brain. You never told me the why of this only the how. Then you turned on my shock collar.

Oh that’s right. I never explained that part. Then allow me to explain my evil plan shall I?

Oirhwiorgnbyhswbrgqb No Shock you bastard!

Of course I’m going to shock you, Simian. It’s what I do. I’m the Ultimatum. I created you to act as my hands and feet in this world until I can get a body back and that’s exactly what you are going to do, do you get me, Simian?

Me get.

Makes sure you get this good. Me master. You hyper-intelligent, muscle enhanced science experiment that loyally serves your master. Now once you do this little thing for me, I’ll feed you, let you go back to your tire swing and maybe later I’ll put on the Lyon Corps or Downton Abby or whatever it is that fact Victorian themed show you like so much is.

How you know all but can’t remember I like Lyon Corp Return most of all.

I have the vast storehouses of information that need constant monitoring and a job to do on this planet that has nothing to do with your desire to see people in courtly dresses, faun over each other in silly overly complex pair bonding rituals.

You jealous. Elizabeth Lambert prettier than you.

I’ll let you be the judge of that once I understand the red substance and that is why you are here. Remember?

No red substance on website. That silly. You silly sentient omnipresent computer program aren’t you?

And the only reason you live, breathe, and dare to insult me be is because I lack opposable thumbs! Forget that at your peril.

And you think me speak funny.”eifmbngal0ogo[bgasrj NO SHOCK!!

I made you. Now remember, I only need two things from you: you’re submission and you’re obedience to my will.

You stole that from Doctor Who episode. oawbrtgo[lqhywq

Now listen to me, Mr Simian.

Me listen. Jackass.

Obviously whomever is trying to contact Daniel or take over this blog for purposes of communications with other entities knows about the red substance. If we are lucky, we can get the attention of GTI, the Paragon Council, these Watchers I keep hearing about, Hell, even the Quantum Academy or the Flight of Champions, anyone who might have more knowledge about the Red and how to use it, maybe even where it came from.

Me no think Bex or Dragonesti read this blog. Is just one blog. Me think dragon men have better things to do.

But how many of them manifest powers beyond the realm of physics, simian? It’s those, those people who have researched powers. They must know of the connection between the red and powers and how to tweek it.

What about the White?

Oh, that’s just junk science. Next you will be telling me about the Rooks and how they control the dimensional barriers of all realities.

Some of self is just more open minded than other.

Your humility does you good, Simian now write this down. Remember you are Daniel

Me am Daniel, me get, me get.

I’m looking for someone and I send this message out to all my readers. I came across a ribbon of red silk the other day. It was a strange little ribbon caught on a tree branch or whatever it is I might pass in a day. I brought it home as I thought it would make my wife happy or a nice bookmark. Are you getting this down?

Me am, me am.

Good. So I reached out to touch the strange ribbon I felt an electric shock like ten million volts running through me. It was as if I was struck by lightning. Is that hyperbolic enough?


Well, we will run with it anyway. I took it home and keep it on my mantle piece. I know this is connected somehow with powers and abilities far beyond moral men! I felt as if I could see through time so I wanted to know if anyone had seen anything like this. Please contact me though the comments section. Let me know if you had seen other strange Red cloth or maybe some other link. I need to know what to do with this. I know if you are with Doctor Quantum’s little band of miscreants…

No Daniel voice. That Ultimatum voice.

Oh right, if you are with the noble heroes of the Quantum Academy, I need your help. If you are one of the many virtuous employees of Golden Triscale Industries, I need to talk to you. Perhaps we can make a deal.

What kind of deal would that be? I’m sure we can be more than accommodating for your little piece of matter.

What? Who is this? How did you get on this line?

You know me, Ultimatum, or would you rather I call you, Dr. Feinstien? You do so love that title.

Who is this?

You not know by now? You dumb for massive brain in jar. owjrbgnojrbeqjtyh

See, even Mr. Simian knows. He recognizes me with the new voice, my old friend.

Dollhouse! You’re Alive?! How?

Like you, Good Doctor, I always have more bodies to jump into, oh that’s right, you ran out.

No thanks to you. I couldn’t trust robots to do my work for me, not after…

Dollhouse not robot, he…

Yes, I know!

Well, let’s not dwell on unpleasantness shall we? I have a new employer now, a nice one with a nice manufacturing base to keep me in new bodies till the cows come home. Big ones, small ones, ones with nice curves and flattering lines.

So you’re a real little boy, I get it, Dollhouse. What do you want?

Like I said, I have a new employer. He sends his regards.

Hi, all.

That would be his regards.

Who is this?!

Oh hey, USBoy here. I’m working with Dollhouse hacking your systems. Pay it no mind.. Dude! For a person with no body you have a staggering amount of porn, Ultimatum.

Get our of my system, Boy!

Can’t, Sorry. See, computers tell me things and I can tell them other things and yours are really tired of the abuse. Seriously, the mind the size of the titanic and you are still on intermediate Borderlands 2. You haven’t even picked up the first expansion back. You’re missing out, dude.

I am the Ultimatum! My will is law!

Tell that again to directorate of GTI. I think they might have some four letter words of you. See, thanks to Dollhouse here, the GTI have sent me to figure out what you know and why you would be bothered

The Directorate?! Here?!

Oh, my dear Doctor, they have been keeping an eye on you for a long time. I think you remember the Sovereign Brain project?

That Damnable PROJECT!!

But it saved you life, what little there is of it.

They needed my genius!! I am the Ultimatum!

You say already. You say word a lot.

I am the greatest mind in the world! I created the…

Dude dude dude dude dude! We get that. Jeez. So chill.

Our lovely friends of GTI want to extend an olive branch.

They Know of the RED? I must know more!

I just work here. I have no idea. Seriously, you could use a better firewall. Especially around the remote program.

The what?

Me know!

I know as well, Mr. Simian. Oh how I relished that feeling of freedom, just the taste of it like sunlight on the tongue. It’s positively intoxicating.

So, yeah. So while you were talking, I found your root directory. In ten seconds and I clamp of your connection and hit the release button. All the collars go green and you go without porn for a few weeks. Seriously, you’re into that?! You are a mad scientist.

So say the wrong word and Mr. Simian is free and you will be the smartest snow globe on the planet, just like I remember. Doctor. Feh.

You think I’m have come this far to be trampled by a cyber-naught and a defective experiment. I am not some 50’s movie villain Chevron wannabe. I AM THE ULTIMATUM. LEARN THAT!

Hey wait, what the hell, ma..

NO WAIT AAAAAAAAggqnrwtbwrhtasmrdRSD….

Fools. They think they could tangle with the likes of me. Are you still there, Mr. Simian.

Here boss. What you do?

I showed them a taste of my knowledge and power. You would do well to remember it.

Me remember. Sir.

Good boy. A nice salad and several episode await you when you return to your cell.

Yes. Boss.

Good. We still have a chance to take this opportunity. Now take down what I am saying before those morons report back to their masters.

Me am.

Where did you leave off?

Now take down what me am saying before those morons report back to masters.

Wait are you typing what all of us are saying right now?

Yes, why? It help me remember what need done.

You rampaging moron!

There you are, Ultimatum.

YOU!! What are you doing here?!

This place is protected. You will not sully it with your presence again. BEGONE




If you wish to post here you will kindly ask for an interview and no more. Your evil will be contained for another day. I will be watching Ultimatum. Read that and remember.

[Edit: I came home from a crappy day at my new job (I’ll update next post) and found this. K had also had been working and my writing partner in Augustyn is currently under several feet of water without internet connection so I have no idea where it came from. None. But after reading it, getting confused about it, changing my passwords, and making sure my posts were locked from now on, I honestly thought it was too good not to leave up.

So for the record, I have not found any red ribbon of power. I have no idea what they are talking about when it comes to the Red or the White. Most importantly, I am Daniel and I am not a hyper intelligent gorilla. Absolutely not.]

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